Wish

For the past 14 years, I have always wished for the summer to fly by.  First comes that dreaded day in June.  Then a day in Mid July.  August waits until almost the end to approach.  Father's Day, his birthday, his anniversary.  When I was a freshman in college, sometime after the new year, my dad began experiencing pain in his back.  After countless tests, visits to doctors, second & third opinions and time in the hospital, I was given the horrible news while home on spring break.  It's cancer.  NO!  There is no way!  I didn't even want to go away to college to begin with, and was homesick from the time I left that hot day in August, and this would complicate matters even more.  I remember telling my parents that I would not be going back there.  Absolutely not!  I needed to be there for them and my brother.  My brother, he was only a freshman in high school...he should not have to deal with this.  They requested that I finish out freshman year, as it was only about another month and a half, and we could discuss options when I moved back home.  I agreed after many tears, but thinking about the lectures, studying, finals, made me nauseous.  I honestly don't know how I completed the semester.  The doctors gave a poor prognosis, saying most likely it would only take months.  When I thought months, I wasn't thinking 4 months!  Today is 14 years since that dreadful day that we lost him.  I love you Dad.

For the past 5 years, Chris's parents have owned a place outside of Sea Isle, giving me a sort of solace from the "real world" of emotions.  Now I can say that I don't dislike the summers as much, because seeing my children create their own memories helps me to build on my own.  

I wish...
I wish I spent more time with him that summer, instead of always fleeing to my friend's houses for solace.
I wish I talked to him more about his fears.
I wish my mom didn't have to bury her husband so young.
I wish my grandmother didn't have to watch her son suffer.
I wish he was the one who taught my brother how to drive.
I wish he saw my brother graduate from high school, and the both of us from college.
I wish my cousins got to know him.
I wish Chris, my in-laws and family got to meet him.
I wish Chris was able to ask him for permission to marry me. 
I wish he walked me down the aisle (although, I am grateful for my uncles and brother who filled in perfectly!)
I wish I felt his hug when we announced our pregnancies.
I wish he was part of the celebration when Aiden and Raegan were welcomed into the world.
I wish he held my babies the way only grandparents do.
I wish Aiden could learn how to golf from an "almost" pro.
I wish Raegan could have tea parties with her Pape.
I wish he was at every party, get together and family dinner.
I wish...I wish...I wish...

Aiden has his eyes, thankfully, so if only in one way, my wish did come true...he is here, every day.